My apologies for the delayed release but wow, I’ve been really fucking depressed these past few weeks.
I know people say that a lot and “depressed” has been essentially reduced to feeling bad through our overuse of the term, but I’ve been capital D depressed. Apathetic, lying in bed, barely eating, thinking about the pointlessness of existence Depressed.
And usually, I wouldn’t really say anything. For the most part, I run on a need-to-know basis, no need to advertise the crumbling condition of my mental health. I also hate to think anyone is going to pity me or look at me differently for saying I barely left my bed or showered over the past week because I was just too sad.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s a vicious circle of, “oh people won’t understand so I won’t say anything” to “wow nobody understands and I feel so isolated”. And it sucks ass.
I know for myself, I have a hard time talking about my depression because it makes me feel so pathetic. And I can hear you now saying “oh but you’re not pathetic, it’s an illness, it doesn’t make you any less, blah blah blah”. Like yes, I know that. I very much understand that. But when I’m eating popcorn for dinner because I cannot muster the will to make real food, going on my 5th hour of Always Sunny, avoiding responsibilities and cancelling plans because I cannot bring myself to care about anything? I feel pretty pathetic. And sometimes that works, I can somewhat snap myself out of it and shame myself into doing the dishes and cooking some form of protein. But lately, the depression is winning.
And so I’m trying to talk about it. Trying to be more honest with friends and family when I’m feeling like absolute dog shit. And you too, my beloved readers. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to watch funny One Direction moments until I remember how to feel joy.
Also! This comic is from Hyperbole and a Half’s Adventures in Depression Part 2 and honestly, I’ve never seen my depression so accurately represented. It’s as if the author, Allie Brosh lives in my brain. I’m just going to start sending people the links to Part 1 and 2 whenever they ask for a Liz’s Depression Explainer.
What I’m Listening To:
Episode 84: The Sports Media Problem with Adam H. Johnson
I love when my favourite podcasts have crossover episodes. Adam H. Johnson of my beloved Citations Needed joined the End of Sport gang to discuss sports media and the intersection of sports and politics – my favourite things to discuss! Their ending discussion of reconciling enjoyment of sport and a deep understanding of everything that’s just so wrong with sports was really interesting and deeply relatable. We’re full of contradictions! We’re human!
Interview: Roundtable on the NBA and Vaccines
What I’m Reading:
I’ve once again forgotten how to read.
Articles:
True Crime Is Rotting Our Brains
Journalists Shouldn’t Work With Cops To Solve Our Problems
I mean, I had to include it.
Internet Shit:
Internet beef I wasn’t expecting: John Cusack taking on Barstool & the stoolies
Get their ass John!!!!
Shameless Self-Promo:
New Real Gud Pros episode! We’re back with episode 1 of our 4th season (!!!) talking about Sheldon Keefe’s contract extension, medical malpractice and the NHL, and making our season predictions! We’ll have a new pod every week throughout the season so if two women talking about the Leafs and the NHL in a slightly deranged manner is your vibe, be sure to check us out!
Till next time!
xoxo, Liz
I'm so sorry to read about what you've been going through. The downwards spiral you talked about really hit home, I've been there before. You can't get yourself around to doing anything because nothing feels good, and then you don't feel good because you aren't doing anything. It's great you're talking about it with people close to you, since it's often hard for people to pick up on. Keep reminding yourself that what you're feeling isn't you or a sign of weakness, but the depression lying to you.