This past week I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my existence as a hockey fan. It’s something that’s been weighing on my mind for the past few years, but this week made it so it was the only thing I could think about.
Following the release of the independent investigation on the Chicago Blackhawks’ handling of the sexual abuse allegations against then video coach Brad Aldrich and Kyle Beach coming forward as John Doe in his interview with Rick Westhead, I felt fury. Actually, fury doesn’t even cover it. I felt as if I was on fire.
Do you ever feel so angry you feel like a wasp, trapped in a jar? Buzzing around furiously with no direction?
I’m not typically a violent person. No matter the circumstances it’s never been my first reaction, but I wanted to tear the cowards who allowed this monster his day with the Cup limb from limb. I wanted to punch and kick and scream and fight until I had no fight left. I felt betrayed, I felt absolute devastation for Kyle, I felt burning rage towards the NHL.
This is not me trying to make what’s coming out of Chicago about me, I promise. I think the nature of sports and sports fandom is that everything feels so wildly personal. You invest yourself into teams and into players with hopes of joy and celebration and victory. And sometimes, I think that’s what makes the betrayals or failures that much greater.
On June 9, 2010, 15-year-old Liz was sitting on her living room floor, wrapped in her Jonathan Toews jersey, weeping with joy over Chicago’s first Stanley Cup in 49 years. Yes, I’m a Leafs fan, but as a Leafs fan you have to often pick a secondary team to care about once the playoffs begin. And this was an easy choice for me as Jonathan Toews, captain of the Chicago Blackhawks, was one of the first players that made me fall in love with the game. I devoured all Toews content available. I watched his shootout goals from the 2007 World Juniors on repeat. I memorized his stats. So his team was my team. And when they won? That was my victory. That was my boy that brought his team to the Holy Ground.
My Toews jersey is in some Ottawa landfill now. I’d been meaning to donate it or give it away for years – 15-year-old Liz grew the fuck up and realized how racist the logo was and had absolutely no interest in wearing it. To be honest, I’d kind of forgotten it was in my closet, collecting dust. But after hearing Toews’ quotes following the game against the Leafs, where he said that Stan and Al, “weren’t complicit” and went on a mini-rant about cancel culture (Jonathan what??), I just snapped. I hated him. I felt powerless and angry and throwing his jersey in the literal trash along with leftover food and a turkey carcass felt like something.
So this comes back to my existence as a hockey fan, something I also talked about on this week’s Real Gud Pros episode. I’m always scared I sound like a hypocrite. I talk about the problems with hockey culture; the misogyny, the racism, the abuse, the harassment, the xenophobia … I mean as I write this, my entire Twitter timeline is talking about the Portnoy article and how horrific Barstool is and truly, you can’t throw a stone in hockey without hitting a Barstool affiliated partnership. But I guess I’m here out of spite? I don’t know. I’m a very stubborn person. I’m a person of privilege, being cis & white, so hockey’s attempts to push me out haven’t been as strong as they are against more marginalized communities, but they’re really doing their damndest.
So, I don’t know. I still love the sport. I love the sound of skates cutting through the ice, I love the speed, the intensity. Some of my most cherished memories are hockey centric. Hockey brought me some of my best friends in the world. But does that make me complicit in the horrific abuses that happen within hockey culture? Am I enabling this league by continuing to tune in or is my presence and voice helping the sport to be just that little bit better?
I hope it’s the latter.
What I’m Listening To (Halloween Themed):
Episode 194: Queer And Trans Horror
Articles:
Law Students Help Create a Free ‘Know Your Rights’ Guide for LGBTQ+ Folks
Heat Killed 595 British Columbians This Summer
Internet Shit:
Till next time!
xoxo, Liz
ps. No monthly round-up this month! My brain is only partially working so be thankful for what you get.