issue forty

[eminem voice] cleaning out my pocket

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;

I have started writing this issue at least 10 times. I wanted to write about Johnny Gaudreau, about turning 30, about Liam Payne’s passing, about my recent struggles with depression and navigating how it affects those I love. I mean fuck, I’ve tried writing about writing! Like god, who do I think I am? some self-important past-his-prime writer? 

And every time I’ve started and failed and restarted only to lose steam three paragraphs in, I've felt so frustrated with myself. I like writing, why am I finding it so difficult? It’s like pulling teeth at times.

And then I remind myself of the aforementioned depression. The nagging feeling that if my writing isn’t absolutely perfect andn’t completely groundbreaking and profound, then there was no point in writing anything at all. That no one will care. That I may as well be writing into the void, words disappearing into the fog as I type.

It’s funny, really — I give so much care and consideration to my loved ones, reassuring them that they are not defined by their creative output, but yet I cannot extend that same empathy to myself. when I’m at my lowest, I only exist to absorb my own criticism. a poisoned snake eating its own tail, wondering why it continues to feel ill.

And I don’t have a fix for this. not yet at least. I’m working on it — trying to look on the bright side a bit more and not let myself dwell and sink and drown in the negativity. But it’s hard, just like most things worth doing are.

whatever you say, snoopy.

So, since I’ve had the substack itch but struggled with what to write, I opened up the old handy, dandy pocket app — time to scroll through the hundreds of articles I saved, swearing I would eventually get around to reading. Here’s a selection I enjoyed, timely relevance be damned, as well as an array of other content I’ve been consuming lately.

Also, paywalls be damned. 

Everyone is Beautiful and No One is Horny

I’ve seen this article referenced so many times that it’s become a part of my cultural understanding despite only reading it for the first time in full recently. No One is Horny is an excellent deconstruction of how national threats and a change in society’s approach to physical health have changed the ways bodies and sex is represented in media. [Charlie Day frantically pointing at a red string board] It’s all connected man!! 

The End of the NFL’s Concussion Crisis

I often worry that I am a hypocrite. I worry that while I put in so much work and so much of myself into effecting change in hockey culture, I’m a hypocrite who still feels the thrill of a heavyweight tilt. I had college football playing in the background as I read this article. What level of compartmentalization is required to be able to read about football players committing suicide by shooting themselves in the chest in order to donate their brains to science and prove the damage their profession wracked on their bodies while listening to the sounds of young men, who’s lives have barely begun, participating in this violence? What is my role in this continued violence? Is it enough to call out the recklessness of Tua’s comments? Or am I continuing to bloody my hands every Sunday night? That damned spot growing darker and darker.

Do Dogs Know What Art is?

The way we all experience and interpret art differently is something that really moves me - the idea that a room of people can all look at one piece and not a single person will have the same response is something I find deeply beautiful.

I thought this was a touching reflection on how we all experience the world, and art more specifically, differently. I want to let Ellie roam the D’Orsay and get her opinion of Dante et Virgile.

Ethel Cain says we are in an irony epidemic – is she right?

sometimes you read a piece that perfectly encapsulates everything that has been bouncing around your brain for the last few months. Yes, I too am a cynic at heart but my god, it’s as if everyone is incapable of expressing real, genuine emotion. As Jibril notes, our impulse to approach everything with a detached irony has made us unable to feel empathy or even just think critically about our society. If everything is just a joke, why should we even care?

article grab bag:

Suicidal ideation, my intrusive visitor

How Brad Pitt Keeps Getting Away with It?

Gender Blur: How nonbinary identity became a brand

How Body Horror Movies Helped Me Process Gender Dysphoria

The Plight of the Former Fanfiction Author

Hawk Tuah and the Zynternet

what I’m listening to:

Pop Pantheon Michael Jackson Part 4: Legacy (with Dr. Fredara Hadley)

(Just FYI, I recommend this entire series, but this episode is the standout to me.)

Pop Pantheon: Do You Still Listen to Kanye West and Michael Jackson? (with Tre Johnson & Kemi Olivia Alemoru)

Michael Jackson is such a massive figure in pop music, it’s nearly impossible to discuss the history of pop music without him. But how do you address his superstar status and indisputable impact without addressing the elephant in the room? How do you hold space for the art and the artist who has meant so much to you while also acknowledging the trail of pain left behind — the harm and the violence and the abuse.

This is something I feel as though I’m balancing in many aspects of my life, especially when it comes to entertainment. I found these two conversations from Pop Pantheon, one specifically regarding Jackon and the other discussing him alongside other artists such as Kanye West, incredibly thought-provoking and rooted in compassion.

what I’m reading:

Four Squares by Bobby Finger

Oh, what a lovely, lovely book. I discussed the importance of learning about and understanding the impact of the HIV/AIDS crisis in a previous newsletter, and this book is such a beautiful, careful look into how the crisis permeated every aspect of gay life throughout the 80s and 90s, especially for those living in New York City. 

Four Squares follows Artie Anderson, a gay writer in NYC, through two points in his life, 30 years apart and what community means, the importance of friendship, and celebrating queer stories. 

No One Is Talking About This by Patricia Lockwood 

From the author of “you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!” comes the profound and deeply intimate book that challenges you both as a reader and as a person who exists on the internet. As someone who does feel a deep connection with the “portal”, this was a very touching and even philosophical read. What does it mean to exist online? What does it mean to exist in the real world? How are we supposed to reckon with all the despair around us, on a grander societal level but also the more familial, intimate tragedies? 

The Secret History by Donna Tartt

what if bunny was KILLED and you were from CALIFORNIA and your classmates were GAY and you HAD TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

If you want to see what else I’m reading, follow me on The StoryGraph! 

what I’m watching:

So what if this is an excuse to link my letterboxd account, sue me!

Spooky season, am I right?

I watched Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) for the first time last night and I’m already excited to revisit it! Unfortunately, I was already familiar with the ending because I exist on the internet and this film was released forty-six (46) years ago. Such is life. But honestly, I did not find that took away from my viewing experience. It’s a chilling film that, despite being based on an alien invasion of sorts, feels very real and grounded and human in a way that makes it even more frightening.

Also young Jeff Goldblum. I don’t really have anything else to say about that. Just… yeah. yeahhhh.

xoxo, liz

ps. I got suspended from Twitter since we last spoke. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Find me on there as thedeparted_rat. I don’t care what anyone else says, long live Martin Scorcese’s cgi rat.

And here are a bunch of other places to find me, in varying degrees of activity: https://linktr.ee/yanoforsure