The internet was, by all accounts, a mistake.
Example #439867459687: this West End Caleb bullshit
For the uninitiated (God how I wish that was me), 20-something-year-old women of NYC Tik Tok realized they’d all been on dates with this same man, Caleb, and apparently, he sucks. But not in the way they say.
See, Caleb’s crime is that he was nice on the dates but then *gasp* ghosted these women. An act that uhhh, yours truly is very acquainted with. Both as the ghostee and the ghosted. It’s just part of dating. It’s dickish, sure, but it doesn’t even register on my bad dating behaviour radar. He also apparently sent one woman an unsolicited nude which is by all accounts Not Great, but within the context of this situation, it was sent to someone he was flirting with on a dating app so not necessarily a “cancellable” action IMO.
But these women do not see it as I do. These women see Caleb’s fuckboy antics as truly horrific, predatory, abusive behaviour. It’s lovebombing. It’s gaslighting. It’s … another word used for very specific abusive actions that do not apply to this specific situation.
There are many layers to the bullshit here. I’ve spent most of the weekend angry about this story, so let me try and round up my thoughts & some tweets from other, smarter people.
Words mean things. The internet loves to take words (see meme above) and completely remove them from their original definition. Someone complimenting you on Tinder is not lovebombing. Ghosting despite an apparent connection is not gaslighting. By taking these words, that describe specific abusive behaviours, and applying them to your feelings being hurt, you are taking away words that abuse survivors NEED to describe what they went through. This overstatement of harm is - dare I say - harming others!
Whisper networks are important. Whisper networks keep people safe and informed. This is not a whisper network. This is a petty revenge tour. You’re not protecting anyone here, you’re massaging your own ego.
I think people both forget and faux forget how big the internet is. Like, you cannot control how your content is shared, received, etc. but also if you create content such as this which is perfectly designed to go viral via engagement, you should know better. After all this blew up, one of the original posters asked for people to not doxx Caleb, but frankly, that just sounds naive to me. Is this your first day online?
White women love to be victims. History has taught us this. It continues to be true.
Whatever happened to bitching in your group chat about your shitty date and moving on? Why does the whole Tri-State area need to know you got ghosted after sleeping with this guy? How embarrassing for you. Keep it to yourself girlie.
These videos apparently radicalized women in D.C. because lookie here, we’ve got a “safe dating” Google doc which makes sure to highlight such concerns as big ego, rematching after initial meetings, and (truly the most offensive of them all) “too short to be acting like this” — doing God’s work here besties, truly protecting the streets from these vicious men.
When WHEN will we learn from our previous Tik Tok lessons. Did the harassment of Couch Guy teach us nothing? Did the horrific, transphobic conspiracy surrounding Sabrina Prater teach us nothing? When will we learn that internet sleuthing does more harm than good? Who’s life should Tik Tok decide to ruin next?
Here’s some further reading class:
Stop canceling normal people who go viral
West Elm Caleb Is TikTok’s Latest Morally Dubious Detective Story
The regular newsletter will be out tomorrow.
Yours in rage,
Liz
PS. HERE and HERE are lists of different examples of emotional abuse and, for my Canadian readers, domestic abuse helplines